Things straight people like (as learned from HGTV)

burnaday:

• Mancaves: This is a room separate from the house with a large entertainment center and sound system, so no one can hear your existential weeping
• Two Sink Bathrooms: Once your husband finds you rinsing out your Diva Cup, the magic is gone.
• Hardwood floors that flow throughout the house: This makes it more likely your children will slip while running and maybe die, so you can finally get that divorce.
• Open Concept Layouts: If no one sees you, what’s the point of pretending to be happy?
• Office Space: Excellent for privacy while Skypeing with your lover in Belarus, the only person who really understands you. 
• Walk in Closets: You can keep so many clothes in there, it might take years for someone to find the body.
• Guest Rooms: In case a friend stays the night.