Every time my extended family gets together in upstate ny, we (the Adults) all get wasted & at least 1 giant Family Scandal comes out…..tonight is that night..
We’ve Got A Winner Folks, And It Involves Arson AND A Nun!
So apparently my aunt cecelia (not really my aunt, just the best friend of my dads cousin, whomst we also call aunt) once married a dude referred to only as Florida Asshole. He was named such because he apparently left my aunt cecelia while she was in the hospital, stole all of their stuff, and fucked off to florida. Aunt cecelia then hired a p.i. to find him, as u do, and went down to florida with my dads cousin (who was going to florida for a work trip, and had no idea Florida Asshole was there). Apparently the p.i. told aunt cecelia which city the guy was in, but hadnt found the exact address yet, so ofc aunt cecelia did what any other able bodied half insane scorned person might. She went to a costume shop, bought a full nun costume, and went door to door under the assumption that she was collecting charity. (She did, in fact, donate everything she collected. This was an important fact to her). At one of the houses, she looked in the window and noticed an awful lot of furniture that used to be hers. So she, obviously, went to a gas station and bought several cans of gasoline, threw a molotov cocktail through the front window, and began pouring gasoline over the rest of the house. At this point, Florida Asshole came outside, recognized his ex wife looking like a renegade nun sent to punish him for his sins, and began beating her. The neighbors, seeing the strange new man beating a nun in his front yard while his house was on fire, did the only sensible thing in this story and called the police. Who promptly arrested Florida Asshole for assaulting a nun. Aunt cecelia did not get arrested, came clean to her best friend, and was immediately sent back to new york with a ticket bought under my other aunt’s name. We don’t know if she still has an arrest warrant out for her in florida, and that’s tonight’s Family Scandal!
Does anyone else have that one fanfiction that they’re dying to to write but it’s like, mega long and basically a whole universe, and then you’ve got head-cannons to go with that fanfiction and like fanfiction to go with that fanfiction an back-stories for every character and you get frikin’ feels about that universe and it’d be the most coolest thing if you could just be bothered to frikin’ write it.
Just to expand on this post about calling 911 and asking for a pizza to secretly ask for help:
The post is based on a Super Bowl commercial, which itself was based on a Reddit post that’s never been verified as true.
There is no actual pizza code with toppings and shit that dispatchers are trained in. If you come across someone who has heard of the commercial, they might understand. If you come across someone who’s never heard of it, they might think it’s a prank call and hang up on you.
A piece of actual advice to help you in this situation is to dial 911, then hang up without speaking, then turn the phone off. 911 will attempt to call you back, and when they’re unable to reach you, they’ll dispatch a unit to your location under the assumption that you need help and your call was interrupted. This will work 100% of the time, whereas the pizza trick will only work if the dispatcher has heard of the commercial/urban legend.
Also, the toppings thing was a complete and total fabrication and whoever wrote that should be ashamed of themselves, tbh.
as a dispatcher, i need to correct you here, because calling 911, hanging up, and then turning off your phone will, in fact, work 0% of the time.
in my center, when we receive a 911 call from a cell phone, we do not automatically know your exact location. it doesn’t work like that, contrary to popular belief. the only thing we know for sure is the address of the cell phone tower your phone is connected to. cell phone towers cover huge areas, you could be anywhere in that huge area. if you absolutely can’t talk at all, if you can’t even hold the phone to your face, enable the speakerphone and start crying, or yelling, or even whispering, if you can.
also, as i said in my last reblog, most 911 centers in the US these days have text-to-911 capability. can’t call 911? text 911! it’s as simple as that. just be sure to include your address/location in the first text you send, because if you can’t send any more texts after the first one, at least we’ll know where to send help.
OP is correct, however, about the pizza thing. there is no “secret pizza code” or anything like that among dispatchers. i wasn’t trained on anything like that, none of my coworkers were trained on anything like that. it doesn’t exist. if you call 911 and say you need to order a pizza, our very next question will be, “you called 911. did you mean to call 911?” and if your answer is yes, the next question will be, “do you need help?” or “are you in trouble?” pretending to order a pizza is a good way to give us your address, because when you call 911, an address is the most important thing to give us. we can’t help you if we don’t know where you are.
i’ll just say that again.
we cannot help you if we don’t know where you are.
we are trained professionals, but we’re not psychic.
